At the end of the road... [entries|friends|calendar] The Heart Impaler's Requiem [ website | DeviantART ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

One thing in the way of it all. Part 1/2. [31 Aug 2008|10:48pm] [ mood | slightly disturbed ] [ music | Dream Theater - Disappear ] I turned 18 four days ago. And, psh. I don't know what to say to it. But, with that said, I have to put that issue to bed for now since I've only been an adult for only that long. There's been something that's been bothering me for the longest time, since the beginning of this summer. I thought it would've been dead and gone by now. Looking at it now, after at least 2 1/2 months of this... Come on... Am I the only one caring about this? Am I the only one giving one flying fuck about it, because it shakes relationships between me and friends I care for? I guess I should have no shame in not hiding anything about it, since nobody has to do with the drama, doesn't want to do anything about it and leave everything as it is. Maybe it's because people actually have bad rumors pinned against me, and now they can get a reason to dislike me?  I don't know. From what I know... It was some time in June when things suddenly went wrong, where I thought I wasn't able to come over to Jared's house for a day or so for some random reason. But then, it eventually wound up being even more serious, where I'm banished from his house for an undisclosed amount of time, possibly pernamently? Jared's mother, Angel, told me that I shouldn't come over for some time. I was left wondering why, and I was left clueless for a while. I still am, to an extent, because, supposedly, there's probably enough reasons why to create an entire novel. And I mostly don't know even half of the reasons. It's sad. Later on, Jared and I stop talking for the first few days when it starts. But now, we're friends as if nothing happened. I don't know how he's taking this now, but it's not all normal to me until I fix this situation. I can't talk with him about it, since when I talked to him the first time, he claimed to know little about it. Angel and I were quite close, but until this, she cut all means of contact from me, and will ignore anything I tell her. I can't do anything about that, and I realized that quickly. Now, Megan...? It's like she's lost all hope in me. She's a completely different story, even up to now. She came to me online one day, told me how she felt about it, where just a small part of her cares, as if she actually thinks I tried to hurt her. I never did it intentionally... You'd think she'd be devastated if a friend tried to hurt her, but no... She brushed me aside. At least, I think so. I pleaded to her, could I talk it out with you? And she told me, she'd rather hear me in person, not online. Where she can see me eye-to-eye. My Lord, are my heartfelt, typed apologies not enough? And that's the only time when I can step into Jared's house, so Jared, Angel, and Megan can stare at me, while I stand on trial and tell my side of everything. I would've been crying my eyes out, because I'd be trying so hard to believe me, or at least forgive me! Problem is, I'm not being given the chance.  And they say they care! I'm making the effort to show that I want to fix all of this! I at least think so! However, Jared refuses to talk about it. Angel will ignore me. My only hope is talking to Megan, but I can't even do that! What are they doing...? The first couple weeks of it, I went to Jared's house on my own, and I tried to talk to him. He walked outside his front door that cloudy afternoon. I looked at him, it's like he had changed into someone new. He had this smile that I found twisted, as if he was going to cuss me out. We sat on the two chairs outside his front door, and talked for at least 20 minutes. There's just something I won't forget, when I talked with him. I was trying to persuade him, trying to tell my story about all of this. And I thought he believed me. He looked away for a second, and smiled. I was looking directly at him, and I smiled at him. Then he tells me, with this glare... "Hahaha... You're full of shit, dude!" I looked away, and felt my eyes watering, but he never knew, since I was wearing my sunglasses. But to be misjudged, for that to have so much meaning to it... It hurt so badly. And in way, I thought nothing I'd do to persaude him would work. I thought nothing I do to make it all better would affect him at all. He did say that he believed Angel over me. I wouldn't blame him, since she is his mother. But... I don't think my word matters much to him or Angel anymore. I never did think Angel was a liar, but she misunderstood the things I said, and it's what started all this tension. On the bright side... I did find out some reasons why I'm being so disliked. After that, I finished talking with him for a little while longer, and walked my way home slowly.  I spent a lot of time thinking, when I was walking over the bridge, and when I was looking at Candace's drawing. I went to her house after I left Jared's to get that. During the time, I had Megan tell me some reasons she personally has against me. And, it seriously is painful, with the words coming from her, even if it just text. For what she says: - My ranting about my siblings treating me badly is overrated. In truth, I didn't bring up my siblings so much. Besides, my siblings treat me well, since they're all older. But, if you do have siblings, there are some things they do that piss you off. Point blank. - I haven't been myself towards her lately. I admit I've been withdrawn from her, but for my own personal thoughts. I just wanted attention from her, just her knowing that she cared for me, as a friend. And I didn't want her to know, that my feelings for her would still remain, during the time. - For what Angel has said: I had a talk with Angel one night in her car when she dropped me off at my house. What she told Megan later on was... ~ "Megan and I were lovers..." Uh, no...? Megan told me one day, that she saw me dating her. But it'd never happen, since she's forever in love with Jared. Well, I told that to Angel, and she twists it to where I said, Megan and I were lovers. I was actually grateful that I even had a fighting chance to date Megan, with that coming from her. I was grateful that the chance fucking existed in the first place, even though it would never happen..  ~"...and Jared took her away from me." I said that sentence, but with the softest offense I could put into those words. I tried so hard with Megan, the first months I knew her. I met her in Construction class, the second day of school. But 5 days later, I got transferred out of that class, and I had a lack of contact with her. I only talked with her by writng notes. Jared had a class with her, and eventually something happened with them.  I actually told Angel... "Ah, with me no longer having the class with Megan, well, it's like Jared comes and takes her, you know?" I said with a laugh. But I looked down to the dashboard with a smile and said... "I'm happy for the both of them, though." That's not even all of it. Nowadays, Megan is still somebody I care for to the very depths of me, except as a best friend. To her, I guess I'm just... there. I never meant to hurt her intentionally. I broke promises. I admit I fucked up. But I never did anything to hurt her, to where she thinks I'm her enemy. I'm the criminal in this "love triangle", right? I'm trying to show that I care, that I didn't mean harm. I wanted to clear my name. I wanted that place in your heart that I once had, as you friend. It never bothered me with any MySpace drama, but to no longer see my name, hailing me with the heart "as big as the moon", goodness. To no longer see my name on Jared's MySpace, even though we're friends without a care about what "wrongs" I did. It kills me everyday. My Lord, I'm showing so much that I care! I'm not even done with explaining this... Why aren't any of they...? Squeal for me

"I can stand my own ground; I don't need your help." [08 Jul 2008|02:34pm] [ mood | oh, the memories ] [ music | Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee ] It's amazing how far I've come.  Hm, this thunder and lightning fits the mood well. I never thought things would... Be like this, you know? I've said this before, but... Goodness. I have to say it over, and over.  Like, for one thing. My main issue ticking me off, is Chris.  Chris and I were great buddies since 2nd Grade.  And then I guess the first crack in our friendship was me failing 4th Grade, later on.  Now, with Chris, 18 years old, he's just graduated from high school. I'm turning 18 in two months, and I've procrastinated greatly in school since my Freshman year, and this is my last year to catch up... I look at the days now, and the past.  I've witnessed some horrible defeats, and some triumphs, new friends to be with, and more. ... ... But it's not enough. I wish I did better in school. That's my only regret. And it's one of the worst things in the world that I've... Well, for the record, I've lost my first, and ones of my greatest best friends that I've ever met, and that's Chris. And even though I still have Daryl, Johnnathan, Oz, Brent, Jared, and a few others... I can't stand losing Chris. Even though I'm a year behind him now, he's graduated, it feels like he doesn't want to pay attention, or care about me anymore. I've tried talking to him for quite some time, with him lying about something, or him not even saying much. I've seen him get new friends, and it's like... It replaced everyone he used to hang out, everyone he knew, including me, and I was with him from the start... He's gone, doing other things that none of my friends know about. It doesn't bother me, but I wish the both of us hung out like we used to. I guess... That's Seniors for you. This just reminds me of, well... Brittany. The goodbye I got from her was the worst moment of my life, because she didn't even cared. So, I guess it is goodbye from her, even though she'll be with some of my friends, and still be in town, for the most part. Which means... I have no promise to keep for her.  It's people that I've messed up with, like Brittany, and a handful of others that just makes me think... "I'm not that great at all. Not as a boyfriend, not as a friend." But,  yeah, I'm just rambling on.  I wish I could live in the past, you know... I have to be on my own for a long time (or so it feels like), and shake off those people that I have lost, even my best friend. ... I wish I had peace of mind.  I just know I'll have to work really hard for that to happen.  I'm going to love the day, when I complete all of the tasks I've wanted to do. I've going to love it so much. Squeal for me

The dreams in which I am dying are the best I ever had. [04 May 2008|08:45pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Lacuna Coil - Enjoy the Silence ] My...  My Lord... I promised myself. I promised that I wouldn't dramatically screw up with someone that showed their love for me. I promised myself... I broke another heart... I destroyed another chance for some sort of true love. Something that would lead to that... What the hell was I thinking several months back? I don't deserve love from anyone. I... I really don't.  If I can't get that as something I need in my life from my deep afflictions, then I don't deserve it. I don't care what compliments I've gotten. A couple of my friends found love in one swoop. The luckiest people of Earth... Most of my friends are chasing someone else in a wild love story. Me, I just don't know who I want for sure... I don't have true feelings for anyone I know in real life.  I've taken my fetish as something monsterous, and horrible, since I've been mocked for it. Looking at myself in the mirror... Is like a crime against nature. That's how I feel when I'm around those I'm most familiar with. But... All my life, I've hated breaking hearts, ever since my love life first developed... I have to give my deepest, deepest, most sorrowful regrets to all of those who offered me something special. But most of them just won't care since... They're all better off. I wish I had another chance. I wish those persons that were far away... Were right there, next to me. Goodness... Aly. Aly. Aly. At least you're better off.  I can't believe that such an immensely beautiful girl would've taken in somebody like me. But, no, I guess I really am a monster.  I deserve to not be loved. My mentality has to change and accept my losses. I've managed with my troubles alone. I'm sure I can do that, should I live to an old age.  I really should shut my heart from the world, you see... I've been a biohazard to many, and it appears that I haven't learned much. If a human can't take me in, why don't you!? Why can't my stress give me a heart attack, or something!? If I really am that strong, I may as well just...  Keep dreaming. I'll be a dreaming romantic.  Or, at least... I'd rather live in the past forever...  I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry... Squeal for me

Man... [14 Mar 2008|08:44pm] [ mood | lost in thought ] [ music | Senses Fail - Can't Be Saved ] Isn't it tough? It's been... Quite a change, really. I haven't lived at home for two months.  I've been living with Johnnathan this ENTIRE time... ...Because my parents haven't paid for the power at the house... My parents are gone, and I miss them... I'm just waiting for that day when they come home, I'll be glad to see them.  I'll hug them tightly, give them kisses, the house will come back to life, and that'll be the day when I can work on my freakin' novel and listen to all my music on iTunes. AND that'll be the day when I'm finally able to relax on my bed to the point where my BONES WILL MELT. Because, pretty much, I've been sleeping on the ground all this time. Goodness. I want to come home.  I mean, there are a lot of good things about, well... pretty much living with Johnnathan. I'm constantly with a best friend.  The days go by pretty decently. And, it's not all that of a boring day. Especially with the fact that they have internet and I can get things done... ^___^ Just, on the negative side... And, basically, I think I'm overstaying my welcome. I'm probably choking Johnnathan's mother, in some way. That said, and she's probably seeing more and more bad sides of me as a child. I don't know. There was one time when I was washing my clothes late at night, and around 3 A.M., I woke up, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, and when I came out of the garage after I put my clothes into the dryer, she pops up, and it scares me. Then she rants and raves on how I should go to bed, when... I was on my way back to sleep. Another time is when I decided to skip school not too long ago, and I stayed all day at Johnnathan's house. She's probably seeing a few of the bad habits I have. I don't know if that changes her liking of me or not. Johnnathan's also changing on me, since he's hit it off with his first girlfriend, since December. He's probably one of the extremely lucky people. You find one person, and you're with them for life. That's what it looks like to me. In a way, I'm probably being choked.  I just have a big handful of my stuff here, and it's all tucked away in a huge chest. Also, there was the constant reminder of how there are quite a lot of people that feel sorry for me, but yet, respect me at the same time.  Natalie's mother hates the fact of how I'm living... How my parents just always abandon me. I'm sure she's not the only one. The beginning of this week, I was being reminded of my troubles at home made my heart feel heavy all over again. But, I've went on. But, it's odd. When I'm calling out to my friends, the friends I hold dear... Is there anyone that, at least. hears it?  Why won't anyone answer? Am I that complexing? Do most of my friends truly not know what to say or do? I, quote the Raven, "Is there--Is there balm in Gilead?" There's also the girl trouble.  Yeah, I'm over her. You can shut up about it, now. Or at least, be friends with me again. That only goes for one or two people though. The result of it is that I don't know who, or what I want. As of some time ago, there is nobody I truly like in such a way. I'm denying those that want to go out with me for my fear that, once I just go into a relationship, that moment I just want OUT. I have people that pressure me into going out with somebody, but at this point, I just don't want to. I cannot deny that, yes. I do want to go out with a girl. But I realized that it's hard to trust somebody that way. And, I don't plan on picking a relationship back up until... Well, when this school year ends, lest if nothing changes for me. And, I'm sorry, but I have to tell everybody something that they may already know. But, I'm emotionally insecure. I grew up with my parents constantly gone, for my entire life.  They never really gave me the love and attention that I should've gotten from them, as a little boy. And I've changed to who I am today, but I can't deny I still hold some of my, much earlier characteristics. But can you blame me, when I think that I need love to make me happy? If so, then fine. Whatever makes you sleep at night.  But! Fortunately, it's not bothering me. I have a couple changes to go through first, anyway. I'm surprised that I've been so different lately. Once thing that's been drowing my sorrows in the ocean has been video games. I had a quiet, lonely Sunday for most of the day, until the late afternoon... I was actually hoping to look for... Well, Brittany. But, I just went with my own way, riding and roaming around the town. Around 4:00, I called Jawon, and he hung out with me, staying around the Dairy Plaza for some three hours. How? I don't know. XD But it was great. It was still a good day when Movie Gallery was closing down, and I bought the only game I wanted there: Megaman X Collection. Turns out the damn game was $20, and that ticked me off, since I only had some money, enough to buy me a shirt for the play of Big River, and for a video game... I saw one of my mother's friends, and I hesitated to ask her for $6, since I was down to $4, and a shirt was $10. ... She gave me $20, and that delighted me. That made my day. I'm still at X Collection, now... Tore though Megaman X1-4, and I'm playing X5. ... That game's confusing as hell. I've been trying SO HARD to buy Super Smash Bros.: Brawl ever since the day it came out, but because Mary won't give me the last $20 I need, I have to keep waiting. I'm trying to buy the game as hard as a fuckin' crack addict. That game will really put my troubles to rest for a time. Oh! Being a techie for Big River is also pretty cool. Met a lot of cool people, and was even able to talk with a few old buddies! But next year, I'm auditioning for next year's play! No matter what it'll be! ^_^ Other than that, I am pretty decent. (: Aside from it all... Emotionally, I'm fine. (: I do have my friends with me, in some aspect. On another thing, I'm doing great in school, aside from one subject. My parents have to come back up, and withhold to ALL OF THEIR PROMISES. The phone, and internet to be back up, the lights back on, the water as well, my allowance for my clothes and such, and their own presence to be right in front of me. Not 1,000 miles away. ... But I have to wait until the end of the month. Still, we fought on. Squeal for me

Caitlin... [05 Jan 2008|09:10pm] [ mood | ... ] [ music | Malice Mizer - Unmei No Deai ] I used you. You even said it, madam. And, I hate to say it… I had the feeling I was, since… well… Since I said I may not date you after I get my bet with Rachel over with. I may have used you when it came to some completely different circumstance, but no matter what, I did commit such a crime. At least I’ve done nothing extremely bad, even though you may think nothing is wrong, or that it isn’t such a major problem. But, don’t deny it! Something is wrong, and that is what we both know. I only know that the only two I feel for nowadays is you and Megan. And, sadly, the only person I knew I had feelings for was her. I did feel for you, and you know that, but something just went wrong when you told me it’d be you on the line if you and I ever dated. In truth, I want to wait until the end of the school year, which is pretty much when your mother allowed you to date somebody, so I’ve been told by you. And yet, you wanted to break the rules to be with me. However, when that happened, I just wanted out, for both of our sakes. I shouldn’t have dated you, Caitlin. Nowadays, I was given so much pain, and yet I’ve caused my own share of damage to others. Recently, one of my friends told me that I’ve had at least three good things happened to me along the way, and I just let it go. But this time, I don’t know how I did it, and even worse, I don’t even know what those good things were. I’ve screwed up so many times with people, but who else hasn’t? I’ve let, or pushed away many chances I’ve been given and I don’t even know what they are. And part of the time, I was moping about Megan when I promised her at Homecoming when I wouldn’t. At least… She’s not so much of a powerful force on me anymore because I instantly got a backbone and shut my mouth about her after she reminded me that I promised. And, your mother… Your mother is a beautiful and indeed an intelligent woman. But, she has some things about me all wrong, and I can easily clarify things with her. Just… in the end, I just know she won’t like me. I still hold that thought, even if it winds up to me being proven wrong. It scared me when she talked to me online just last night, before I had to go home. If, that was her… And then, Jess… When she comes to mind, the thought returns to me… You and her still care for me, even for all the times I’ve screwed up. I quote her… “You’re such a sweetheart. Why do you think Caitlin is in love with you? Why do you think I haven’t killed you?” And all that stuff. But if you’re going to bring up something so harsh, then I rather just not date you, Caitlin. In honestly, that is what I’m now thinking about. Because, I am ashamed, and for once, I feel confused with whom I feel for. And finally, my little gamble with Rachel that hinders me from dating you. I’m frustrated with everything. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry to you, to Jess, to Natalie ( Your sister. ), and to your mother, despite you may think I have nothing to be regretful about... In honestly, this is why I'm not ready to go out with anybody. I'm too confused. I have Rachel laughing in my face, implying that I’m weak and that I’ll wind up dating somebody else in a short time after someone breaks up with me or if I break up with them. What a friend, honestly. I even got Niki thinking the same thing. That hurts when you have your close friends underestimating you. And when you have somebody calling you a hopeless romantic, don’t you think they’re right? I’m sure lots of people we know think that. But, what, would you rather me be some arrogant, stuck up and abusive asshole? Or even worse? I’m sorry to everybody because I have a completely different mentality than who we know, and I just wind up getting my heart torn out after girls that I get really strong feelings for, just plain deny me, and after dating seven or eight girls, including you, Caitlin. Got to admit though, part of it is my fault too, of course. But anyway, I’m not THAT weak. If I was, I may have taken a hobby in what, cutting myself? Ooooh, that’d be lovely, wouldn’t it? HAH. No. I already feel guilty for my friends that do/used to do that, and that I still endure with all my bullcrap. I have to drive it in Rachel’s face that I’m not one who just gets in a relationship and then it ends after some short time. I’m the one who stayed single for two months, while her best friend and I had to break up and she moved on after two weeks or less. I’m the insecure and hopeless, romanticizing bastard who went through a bad love life in my Sophomore year. I’m the one who wants to be in a lasting relationship. Humph. It’ll be me that’ll do the laughing. I got not only Jess that tells me I’m crazy for doing this bet, and that I should just be with you. But, like I told you a thousand times… I have things I got to do, and I must ignore my feelings. Who knows what the hell I’ll do after February comes? Me. And, Jess… To your questions that you asked me last night… Well, I cannot say I have the answers, but I can give you an insight why… I wish I had enough time to tell you. Squeal for me

Think, think, think... [24 Sep 2007|08:19pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Malice Mizer - Au Revoir. ] -Begin.- I'm having that short phase where I felt like I have nowhere to go in life. Yet, fortunately, it's not as strong. Last time I had that was in my Freshman year. That was the deepest level of depression I ever felt, and that I still had to resist. Everything seems to be crashing down... Again. So much has changed, where it's at that point where it's just too... Powerful to handle. I miss the way a couple of my friends used to be. My parents don't seem like they want to help me out with anything I want or need. I'm banished from my sister's house, and I could care less. But still having the feeling that I'm exiled from Daryl's place still haunts me at fault. I feel like so much is on my shoulders, and I don't even know how to finish everything when I feel so limited. The last girlfriend I ever dated... Is far better off. And I have nobody to love. My muscles are extremely tense. EXTREMELY. The right people I want to talk to... Aren't talking to me. I miss the good old days, but then again, who doesn't? There's always a time when the strongest will become weak. I have strong feelings for the girl that's subdued my attention, and out of who want to go out with me, she's not one of them... It seems to hard to get someone to feel for you the same way you feel for them. It's nearly impossible, no matter how romantic you are! But many things encourage me to not give up. I look at the roses that grow in the garden in front of my house, and I just... Want to crush all of them, as well as the blooming flowers. I don't know if I was any help to anyone, but... I need help. Chris... Daryl... Niki... Leslie.. Katie... Miss Megan... Rachel... Brent... Oz... Emily... Jawon... Aly... Rai... Jasmine... Anybody that I can trust! >_<; Please tell me the words that I need to hear. -End.- 1 squealed| Squeal for me

Think, think, think... [24 Sep 2007|08:19pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | Malice Mizer - Au Revoir. ] -Begin.- I'm having that short phase where I felt like I have nowhere to go in life. Yet, fortunately, it's not as strong. Last time I had that was in my Freshman year. That was the deepest level of depression I ever felt, and that I still had to resist. Everything seems to be crashing down... Again. So much has changed, where it's at that point where it's just too... Powerful to handle. I miss the way a couple of my friends used to be. My parents don't seem like they want to help me out with anything I want or need. I'm banished from my sister's house, and I could care less. But still having the feeling that I'm exiled from Daryl's place still haunts me at fault. I feel like so much is on my shoulders, and I don't even know how to finish everything when I feel so limited. The last girlfriend I ever dated... Is far better off. And I have nobody to love. My muscles are extremely tense. EXTREMELY. The right people I want to talk to... Aren't talking to me. I miss the good old days, but then again, who doesn't? There's always a time when the strongest will become weak. I have strong feelings for the girl that's subdued my attention, and out of who want to go out with me, she's not one of them... It seems to hard to get someone to feel for you the same way you feel for them. It's nearly impossible, no matter how romantic you are! I look at the roses that grow in the garden in front of my house, and I just... Want to crush all of them, as well as the blooming flowers. I don't know if I was any help to anyone, but... I need help. Chris... Daryl... Niki... Leslie.. Katie... Miss Megan... Rachel... Brent... Aly... Rai... Jasmine... Anybody that I can trust! >_<; Please tell me the words that I need to hear. -End.- Squeal for me

The truth of it all... [11 Sep 2007|07:53pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Within Temptation - Memories ] I can’t stand this anymore. It’s been what, three months since my internet was cut off? It feels like it’s been much longer. It’s been getting me really irritated… I’ve been going from place to place to use the internet whenever I can, and I’m getting so sick of it! I’ve been going from my sister’s house, Johnnathan’s house, Andrew’s house, Chris’s house, Nyk’s place… I haven’t even had my own home phone to use in just as long. If I look through the calls now, the last call dates all the way back to June. If you look at it from my perspective… Can you figure out how this kind of crap makes my parents look? I simply don’t even want to know how the parents of all my friends, think of my own parents. And now, starting from last night, the TV got cut off. … Pretty much, I guess my mother is to blame for most of this. I’ve been told that my father’s given her so much money to pay for a lot of things. There was money that would’ve already paid for the phone and such. Enough money for their cars, the house… As well as to get the utilities and everything, at one point. At least I have electricity. And, worst of all, there was money supposed to come to me, so I could buy my clothes, school supplies, and so forth. About $1000 of it was supposed to go to me. There was even money that was supposed to go to my glasses. More than once. I lost my best pair of glasses in December of ’06. After a couple of days I thanked Chris so much since he gave me an old pair of glasses, since we have the same vision. But after a couple of months, the glasses lost one of its arms… It became severely crooked, and people were just begging me to go buy a new pair… I’m sure it gave some people a bad expression of me when they saw me wearing such a wrecked pair of glasses. My mother was supposed to get me a new pair since I first lost mine. But since I was doing well with Chris’s glasses, it wasn’t much of a problem. But until they started looking terrible, I kept asking her if she would take me to get a new pair. My dad kept asking her… So one day, after having a fight with my mother about it, I took my glasses, twisted them in half and broke them. …Without having glasses for at least a month and a half, I was so worried about my eyes being damaged, that I could’ve gotten lazy eye or something. My mother knew damn well I couldn’t focus in school without them, or even see in general. It’s been so hard to focus. At least I only got one or two headaches from squinting so much… Sure, she EVENTUALLY took me to get an eye exam, but she cancelled everything afterwards, when I was supposed to get them in less than a week. That’s how bad I needed a decent pair of glasses… She wanted to go pay for my glasses somewhere else. For $100, she could get two pairs of glasses for me. For all we know, I could’ve gotten the same pair of glasses that I got last year. Those were at least $250. But my mother didn’t buy them for me, my eldest sister did! I never got my damn glasses… She never took me. I’d still be terribly blind if it wasn’t for Steven. I have to thank Steven for him giving me an old pair of his, since we have the same vision as well. I still haven’t gotten a pair of new glasses from my mother, to this say. I even asked my mom if I could get a nice, new pair of shoes, since I’ve worn my combat boots for too long, and she complained. I don’t even have any new clothes, or even a new backpack for school. The backpack I use now is one of my favorite backpacks. I use it when I have to carry things to a friend’s house, since it only has one main pocket and one pouch. But, on accident, I snapped one of the straps, a week or two after school started. I wanted to get several pairs of bondage pants, steel-toe boots, and some more clothes. I promised my father I would use the money he gave me towards all that… But since my mother has stolen money for what was needed to be done, and my money. I was unable to get all of the things I wanted or needed to get. I didn’t even get a single thing for my birthday. I tore up all of the pairs of my bondage pants I have, and my mother won’t even take the time to sew them up for me, or to even teach me to sew. All of this stresses me out terribly. I don’t have the internet to get certain things done. I don’t have any new clothes or anything I’ve wanted or needed to get. Nothing is getting done for me, so it looks like, but I do what I can. Yet I have to deal with this crap on a daily basis. 2 squealed| Squeal for me

): [18 Jun 2007|01:21am] [ mood | depressed ] I was going to tell of my trip with my mother and everything... But I'll save it until next time. I went to the beach today, with Chris, Jackie, Julie, and Rachel. Such a beautiful day. When we saw the beach, it was so breathtaking! The water looked so clear and pristine... Wonderful breeze, lots of waves... We had a great time for several hours. We had fun trying to put up the beach tent-thingy. I was holding the pole for it when the wind got so strong, there was enough force to make me fall over with it. Then all of us talked, yet we were in the water, most of the time, going against the waves and such. We also ate fruit, and drank soda, and it was just a great day to wind down, despite that it was Father's Day. My father was out in Georgia.  However... Jackie screamed when a dying bird was washed up ashore.  Julie picked it up, and the bird only struggled, and tried to fly. But then it settled down, and laid its head peacefully on her shoulder.  We were going to find the lifeguard or the rangers to do something and try to save the bird. They were down in pier 3 of the beach. ...All of us were in pier 8. We could've used Chris's car, and drive down the road that leads to pier 3, but I don't know why we didn't. Instead, we walked for 30 minutes.  Shortly after the first bird was found, I found another dying bird, washed up from shore. I picked that one up, and it struggled more than the bird Julie had. But, I carried the bird in my arms, trying to keep its feet up, and its wings retracted, with his head upright.  It was quite a while until I found out my eldest sister was at the beach. I talked to her for a bit before continuing on. I kept looking at the other birds that flew along the sky, or a group of them that were picking at shells by the water.  "Well... At least they're still spinning their wheels," so I thought. Chris and Rachel were walking the fastest, and eventually got a bit far from the rest of us. Jackie followed from a distance, Julie and I were behind, carrying the birds in our arms. No doubt that other people were staring at the both of us as we kept going. When we were near pier 4, we took too long... Both birds were motionless. Mine stopped struggling, and eventually calmed down. But the entire time, Julie's remained peaceful, and struggled very little. It may have died long before mine did. Their eyes were open, the necks were stiff... Some sand got into my bird's eyes and it didn't flinch or twitch. We got on the dock, and I placed my bird on the rail, and it didn't move at all.  I was really crushed that I couldn't even save an animal's life. Both birds perished in our arms, since we took too long. Chris and Rachel dug a hole beneath the dock, and we placed both birds side by side, and buried them both.  We even had names for them. Julie's was named Elizabeth, mine was named Julian.  And we walked back to our pier for another 30 minutes, where I saw my brother-in-law and my sister along the way. My brother-in-law severely 0wned me, however. He tackled me when I was trying to get my friends' attention, and then I wrested with him for a while, giving up after he had me in a hold. He dropped me in the water the second a wave came in my face.  Nevertheless, it was all fun.  Jackie and Rachel found another two birds along the way, but me and the others only saw one.  By the time we got back, it was nearly closing time for the beach. We cleared everything and left. No more birds. Not today.  I didn't tear up about failing to save the birds' lives until just a few minutes ago...  I did cry about nearly killing a sugar ant, one day, though. My dad gave it sugar water, and it was fine, afterwards. I love sugar ants, they're harmless, and I used to have them live in my kitchen. But now, they're gone.  Eh... Anyway. I plan to write a poem about failing to save two lives, depressing as it is.  We didn't even know how to save the animals' lives, anyway... 'Least we tried.  It doesn't hurt to be so soft-hearted when it comes to being rather shot down for time, because of an animal, does it? 1 squealed| Squeal for me

Gemu oba da! [02 Jun 2007|10:56am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Within Temptation - The Swan Song ] Not really. It's been about two months since I did something on here, but a month since I've been online. Turns out the five numbers for my mother's e-mail was wrong from the actual thing. So I changed it, and behold, I'm online, at long last. It's worried me. Well, during my absence, I can only remember two things that really mattered. Other than that, I've been doing well, hanging out with my friends and such.  One thing was Daryl's graduation party.  Had a great time and all, until someone gave me this pain in my heart, when she told me something. And, with that, I hope I've fully realized what I've done wrong, and shouldn't say otherwise. Hence is why I didn't want to try and pay much attention to her ever since I arrived at Daryl's place, for what I thought.  Whatever... Looking back at it, it's like saying now, "What the fuck was I talking about!? I screwed up so badly, and I see it until now? No wonder why she didn't like me. And it's taken me until now to understand why." So now, I can live my life with that loss, at ease.  Yeah, anyway, that's another story.  It was near the end of the party, and I had a feeling I should go home, but yet, I should stay instead, since some of my friends would remain at Daryl's house for longer. I had this awesome little moped outside Daryl's house, so I had no worries for a ride.  But Daryl's father was kickin' people out, left and right.  Before the party was over, though, Daryl's niece offered me the usage of the computer. The family's computer. Daryl's computer was being used by someone else, and I thought he wouldn't allow me to use it... I only had enough time to sign into one thing, and then Daryl's father came by, and was all... "No, you go and use Daryl's computer. I don't want people downloading things onto my computer." "But I know better than that, and I wouldn't do that. I'm just checking something." "Get off." "Okay, okay... I'm sorry."  And for each second I stayed on, he kept demanding me to get off, until I closed everything and went somewhere else in the house. When the party was nearly over, I was putting away my games and controllers into my GameCube case, Daryl's father came to me. "You know, if you need to go anywhere, you can always come here after Daryl moves out." ... With him telling me this, I didn't trust him.  I don't go to Daryl's house that often. Maybe the second last time I came there, several months back, I was playing DDR with Daryl the entire time on his big-screen TV, when his father got home, got pissed off because he told Daryl not to do that, and kicked me out of his house instantly, in pitch-black night.  My family didn't like that at all, with the chance of me being somewhat killed at night. He claims that I disrespected his house, when really...? I'm just an innocent person doing whatever Daryl wanted to do.  "Why would I go to a person's house when they could kick me out again for something I did not do? Then where else could I go?" I asked quietly. "Did you hear what I said? Don't bring up the past." "I heard you. But you kicked me out of your home when I did nothing wrong." "You disrespected my house." "I did no such thing." "You better be quiet, because you're disrespecting me. I know what is going on with your family." "You do not." "I do." "Who told you, then?" "Daryl did."  "... Well, I do not need to come to some person's house, when they could just kick me out again. I have other places I can go to," Saying this to him as I put my helmet on. ( And I do have places I can go to. ) ... That set Daryl's father in a rage. I talked to him in a quiet, constant tone of voice, when he started yelling at me as I turned away from him and was about to walk out the front door. "DON'T EVER COME BACK HERE!" "Understood." "I don't want you around me, or around this house at all! You come back here, and we'll have some serious trouble!" "Understood..." "I don't even want you infront of the house!" I unlocked the door and, when I was about to step outside, he shoved me out.  What's worse, is that everyone that remained at the party, undoubtedly heard all this, including my girlfriend. So everyone was wondering what was going on. Daryl's mother and siblings were outside, talking. And Daryl's father just kept yelling at me.  He watched me put my things away, turn on the moped, and go away from the house. I had an urge to cry as I went my way home, but I broke down in tears and cried like a baby when I got home. I wasn't too excited about that. Sure. I talked back to Daryl's father, one of the most strict and most intimidating people I've ever known in my life. Daryl and others kept telling me to not talk back to parents... Duh, I know that. All of my close friends, their parents adore me, because unlike what Daryl's father thinks, I'm polite, and I have manners. I make eye contact with who I meet.   But Daryl's father was the only parent I had a problem with. He thinks of me as some sort of failure. That I have no future. He talked down to me at the party, and I'm sure he thinks I don't know that.  I've known Daryl's father for as long as I've known Daryl, and I thought he knew me well. I held him in very high respect. He even knew me in the days as a carefree child. But, no... I was horribly mistaken. Just because of how I dress nowadays, totally made him think that, I'm sure. I'll take my chances one day during the summer, and go to Daryl's house, despite that I'm utterly banished from that household, and rationalize with Daryl's father. If that doesn't work, then rest his blind soul. Squeal for me

Do I really deserve it? [30 Mar 2007|12:49am] [ mood | in tears ] [ music | Nothing. Just silence. ] This Spring Break seems like a total bust for me.  But there is still 3 days of it left. I... Really don't know what to do. It was at least 30 minutes from now, after it happened.  Yet it started where my dad was drunk once more, but he kept telling me that I should go get a job, and I should learn to drive.  I guess no one really understands my fear of driving, knowing that my brother got into 3 car accidents, where I actually saw one of them, this February. I could've lost him that time, but he got out the following night with a sprained wrist. But, like I said. No one understands my reasons for me not driving. If I die, then it was my dad's fault. But I shouldn't joke like that... Then my dad told me that if I start working, by my 5th paycheck, he'll double the money I have. Which isn't that bad at all, considering it would be the first month of me working. About $400 the first month, then it doubled to $800? I'm not saying anything. Even though that was what my dad told me, Barbie was witnessing the conversation as well. That was, what... Around 7 or 8 P.M.? When 12:30 came by, my mother was home, and apparently, there are people staying with us, which are a grandmother and her 3 grandaughters. The children didn't see what happened, but the grandmother did. My dad wanted to ask Barbie about what he said to me, and for my mother to hear. However, it broke into chaos when my brother walked out, and my dad got him down and punched him in the temple a couple of times... And he was back into great pain with his back... This hasn't been great for him. And he started saying vulgar shit about him and Barbie, how he picked up a pile of trash for a wife and everything, and he's expected to leave in about 3 days. He also grabbed my mother and got her down by pulling her hair and ripping her shirt. I've never seen him so violent! It was never like him to do that. It was never like him to get drunk, either... I helped my brother up, and both him and Barbie went to bed. Where I decided to stay home and for my mom, Jesse, the other chlidren, and their grandmother to go have a good time... Well... My dad tore up their evening and made it into hell. Mine? It was already hell with my dad pretty much telling me to give up my dreams. Like how he did that shit with my brother. And look at him now. For my brother, he won't take it anymore. My dad tried hitting him twice, and that was it. To him, that's no father. He just told me that he'll take him out if he tries it again. There's so much violence that goes on in my family... What was it like before I born? I bet those were the glory days.  But everyone has their misunderstood problems, even I do. And I'm in the middle of it all. Do I deserve this...? Is this retribution for whatever I did?  I can't even get the one thing I want that would make me happy. There are lots of people running off with that. What can I say? I can't even cry for so long, and that's even more depressing. Somebody please help me. Please. Please. Please. 3 squealed| Squeal for me

DAMN. IT. ALL. [26 Mar 2007|04:06am] [ mood | in pain ] [ music | DDR Supernova: ??? - L.E.F. ( Loud Electronic Ferocious ) ] I sprained something for the first time in my life... Outside of Publix, I had to chase Daryl down, but however, as I came to a curve, my ankle twisted, where I fell down pretty bad, hurting my right ankle and scraping my left shoulder. Then out of the corner of my eye, I see Daryl dash towards me at full speed from the opposite direction I was chasing him at. He helped me up, and I had to lean on him. I underestimated how serious my ankle was, where I started playing DDR on it, falling twice out of the several times I was playing. It hurt that bad... And it probably made my ankle worse. It's so swollen now.  I went to Andrea's house and I dared not to play DDR, but I laid down the entire time, since any pressure applied to my ankle would make it hurt. However, Rachel and Andrea got nervous whenever I helped myself up, and I didn't want any of their help, because I'd feel bad.  They kept asking me if I needed anything, but I helped myself up got it for myself, where I even collapsed onto the floor to get back into position where my ankle will stop hurting. Daryl even told me he'd beat my ass if I tried playing DDR, since I could probably bust my ankle that way.  Well, I went home around 9 at night. I thought I would be going to the hospital tomorrow, but, I left 2 hours later, at 11. I came back home at 4 in the morning.  I waited for a while, while Andre and Barbie took me to the hospital... Got some crutches, and some medicine for my ankle, with is horribly inflammated, or swollen.  Ugh, what a nice start to my Spring Break. 'Least it seems that I have to stay home for a day. After Tuesday, I'll go and do whatever with my friends, if my movement is unable to limit me.  Good thing that there are bright sides to this. I need to sleep, however, and rest my ankle. Squeal for me

What have I done? [04 Feb 2007|12:26am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Nightwish - Planet Hell. ] On Saturday, I had a fight with Andre and Barbie about Jesse coming over every single weekend, recently. Apparently, I've gotten quite bitter when it comes to the kid... But I guess it seems that I can't get over some of the things he's done, where he usually destroys things that I really treasured. Like... For what Andre and Barbie have told me... "He's your role model, didn't you know that?" "He's just a kid! You can't expect so much from him!" "At least you know your father, and that you have a mother that loves you! Jesse doesn't even know his father, and we all know his mother doesn't show much..." "If he needed you in his time of need, would you just let him die?" "Everyone treats him like dirt." "He just wants to be included, Peter. I never treated you the same way you treat Jesse." And so many others. But what broke everything in pieces, well...  "You know, when Jesse grows to be your age, what do you think he'll do? He'll hate you as much!" "I could care less!" And then after more talking, I said it the second time. "...You really don't care?" "No. I don't care at all." "...That really tears me up, Peter. I can't believe you would say that. That makes this conversation over." I mean, what have I done? Have I really become so bitter...? I was about to go to sleep afterwards, but I was listening what Andre and Barbie were talking about, before I stepped into my room... "You know, I really think Peter doesn't care about Jesse." "I think the same." "I don't want him near our children. If they break something of his, he might kill them." "...I'll keep that one against  you," I mumbled. I was sleeping for a while until Barbie just came into my room the first time, turned on the light on and then off, and closed the door. The second time,  she threw my clean clothes at me. Then she told me to help her pour water from this foot spa we had into the sink, since I didn't know the bathroom sink was leaking. After I helped her tidy up the bathroom a little, we talked. "...You want me to be honest on why I won't tell you anything, Barbie?" "Yes. Please tell me, and you better be honest." "I feel that I can't tell you or Andre anything about my problems, nor Mom and Dad, nor Natasha, nor Mary." "Why not?" "Because you couldn't keep a secret." "What, about Daryl? Peter, I can't keep secrets from my husband." "..." "What's happened to you? You've been bitter ever since school started. Before me and Andre moved out, you used to be so sweet, and now look at you." "Humph, how could I have been bitter for so long." "You don't call us. You call us if you need something." "But, honestly, I was hoping you guys would call me!" "You know we were on this phase where we didn't want to speak to your parents." "I guess... Oh, and I guess you don't want me near your children, because I might kill them." "I was saying that out of anger, Peter." She didn't have to be so immature about telling Andre about Daryl, however... I would care less about Daryl being bi, but the shit Daryl has been doing, only hurts someone that really loved Daryl as much as I loved Natalie. "Well, who do you trust?" "My friends." "...Friends come and go, Peter. Look how my best friend went. She moved to Las Vegas because of her asshole boyfriend." "..." Until eventually, I told her somethings that's been going on. "...I don't know. Daryl has been hurting me and he's been putting himself into a lot of trouble." "Why is that?" "He's been hurting one of my friends so deeply, and that I'm not the friend I thought I was to him and such." "I don't know what to say, Peter." "Exactly the response I get from everyone." Then... "I don't think I can tell any of you guys my problems." "But we're family, Peter." "I know that. But I don't know who will tell me anything comforting. Mom and Dad won't say anything. Natasha has grown too cold-hearted... Mary... I won't even try her. Andre, well. He's just too busy." "He may seem busy all the time, but he wouldn't mind taking at least 30 minutes of his time for you to say, "Hey, Andre, I have a problem, can I talk to you?" "..." "I know how Natasha doesn't seem she wants to hear anything from anyone, and I understand how deeply you hate Mary. Mom and Dad can't do anything, I know..." "Yeah..." "But you got me and Andre, and we will listen to you. If it's not us, then at least get help from someone else." And then eventually... "And... I guess I can't get over Natalie. I really loved her." "You have to let it go. She's not going to want you if you keep chasing after her." "...Will there be a possibility that she may want me back?" "Of course! One day, she may realize it all. When she wants you, she'll let you know." "Okay..."  "Listen, I know first loves are hard to get over. Like me and my first love, Johnathan. His father paid cash for him to get into college. But look at him now, he's dropped out. And you know what he does now?" "What?" "He's a bartender at a Longhorn's, when he could've been an engineer." "Nyeh..." "Peter, you are one good-looking boy. You are mainly a chick magnet! Girls should be flocking you left and right!" "...But that's just it! One thing I didn't tell you is that I think Daryl overshadows me, in a sense. The girls that I like, they like him instead." "You can't be focused on girls so much. You should be focusing on your schoolwork." "Which I am. You can't blame me for just failing one class I'm trying very hard in." "Trying wouldn't give you an F." "..."  And then our conversation had a good ending, fortunately. I allowed Jesse to play my GameCube while I was talking to Barbie, because I really did feel bad. I care about the kid. I guess I lost hope in him, and I told Andre and Barbie that.  "Jesse, can you please take out the garbage for me? I really want to sleep, since I'm sick." "Yep, sure." Jesse was about to run off, but I stopped him. "Hey, Jesse, wait..." "Yeah?" I hugged him tightly and gave him a kiss. "I love you, Jesse." "I love you too, Peter." "Good job, Peter." Barbie whispered. Then it was all fine afterwards. I'm not a bad person. Any of my other little relatives, like Josie and Callie, who are my eldest sister's children, I love them to death. I let them play with my things, because they're so quiet and sweet. And Sierra, Barbie's best friend's daughter, I played with her. And then there's Joseph, which is a grandchild to my mother's best friend. I play with him too. It's just with Jesse... Him being of Mary's kin, which I despise Mary so much, well... I guess I take out my frustration out on him and push him away and such.  It's just one child, sure. But it's no excuse to be bitter... Despite all I've lost because of him. Squeal for me

[27 Jan 2007|07:49pm] [ mood | stupid ] Sorry. ): Squeal for me

[05 Jan 2007|09:15pm] [ mood | hysterical ] HAH. BIG FLIPPIN' HAH. I forgot to say it! Since Andre and Barbie got the job they needed, I got a job too! I'm supposed to help Barbie with delivering large items from Home Depot to different places. At $40 a day, $240 a week, who can go wrong?! But for now, I work on Saturdays. But like I said. Who can go wrong!? ^^ AHAHAHAHAHA. I'M SO CRAZY. <3 Squeal for me

So much going on, so much to tell. [05 Jan 2007|08:36pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Nightwish - Moondance. ] This sucks. This ALL sucks.  My precious glasses are gone for good, so I'm back to square one, being blind as a bat. I had Barbie erase my Animal Crossing game! For the love of... Can't believe she did that. Sure, it was an accident, but I was playing that for a YEAR.  For a first, I had some people laugh at me at the mall, for wearing my Goth clothing. So Barbie thought. Then both Andre and Barbie started yelling at them. Either they were laughing at something else, and that they were people I knew, but I couldn't see. I squinted as I tried to see them, but they looked familiar. How mortifying... I just walked off while they were yelling at those people. But being at the mall was messed up. I had many people looking at me. Psh. Why don't you look at the blonde kid wearing tight pants and has a mohawk? Bastards, there's something worse than looking at me.  As well, I got a drunken father that tells me those most devastating things. Burn all my black clothes, which is a huge majority of my clothing.  "What is this?" "That's my favorite pair of bondage pants." "Where'd you get it?" "I had Natasha buy me them for my 14th birthday." "What's this?" "A pair of black jeans." "This?" "That's Brent's black hoodie. He left it here." "We're going to burn all of this." "What??? Dad, why?" "Because. You are not washed in the blood of Jesus Christ. These clothes are from the Kingdom of Lucifer." ( Or something like that. I can't remember what exactly he said. ) "What? They are not. Dad, are you thinking I've gone the wrong way? Are you saying I'm into witchcraft?" "Yes." "How I could believe something that doesn't exist? It's all a lie, especially the Wiccan religion!" "Exactly!" "Then what are you saying?" "We're, but especially you, are going to burn all of this, and we're going to Wal-Mart." "Dad, I won't stand for this. I don't even like wearing bright colors." "And what do you stand for?" "I won't allow you to burn all my clothes. I wear a cross on my neck for a reason, despite what I wear." It was such a terrible day. When my dad drinks so much, he becomes so delirious. He calls my mother a witch, he claims the world will end in 2035, he didn't know how to spell, nor did he even know that in 5 years, that it'd be 2012. "I know you will change your mind about your mother within the next 5 years." "What? I will not." "I bet you you will." "I will not think anything bad about my own loving mother." "You're willing to stick with that?" "Yes." "Today is January 3rd, 2007. What year will it be in 5 years?" "2012."  "Hahahaha. No. You said it for the next 500 years." "Dad, I didn't." So we argued about that. Afterwards, my mom took me out to the river and we started talking. I felt so dead and depressed inside. A powerful feeling I had in a long time, I guess. And... It was so nuts. "Everytime I have money, your dad takes it, and gambles it." "How much did you have?" "At least $600." "What??? Mom, we could've gotten my glasses and such." "Yeah, I know." There was so much we had to talk about. We headed back home after a while. I feel so pressured, and I need someone to love to calm me down. But it's probably not worth it since I get through it anyway. Squeal for me

All right... [26 Dec 2006|10:44pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Nightwish - Ever Dream ] Well, Christmas is over, so... Time to keep track of my missing things. Poems:  Element of Dreams. Two Hearts in the Coffin. One Loved One. GC Games: 007: Agent Under Fire. Viewtiful Joe 2. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes. Starfox: Assault. Sonic Riders. Robotech: Battlecry. Capcom vs. SNK 2. GBA Games: Kingdom Hearts: CoM. ( Two copies. ) Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance. Castlevania: Circle of the Moon. Borrowed Games: SMA 3: SMW. SMA 4: SMB3. Pikmin 2. And something else. Why the hell is my memory slipping already? Meh. Onto other things... Squeal for me

[16 Dec 2006|07:42am] [ mood | ugh. ] [ music | Nightwish - Ghost Love Score ] Things are just... Blah.  So many things of mine are missing. 6-7 of my GameCube games. 2-3 of my GBA/Game Boy games. 1 DS game. Several of my shirts... Natalie's spike bracelet that I treasured so much. But that's gone forever... At least I still have her choker. And worst of all, my poems. Three of them! Two Hearts in the Coffin, and another one, which I actually forgot the same. My short-term memory has now become crap! I no longer have hope of finding Element of Dreams, it's been gone since September. I still haven't gotten my room all set up, since the entire hallway remains a shamble. I just hope I can recover most of my stuff after I get my room fixed, and my former room cleaned from all the junk I still have in there, and I get all of it sorted out. But aside from that, I still haven't even gotten the money I need for Christmas shopping! The $140 I get back from my mother was supposed to be for my DS Lite. But I was all screw it, I'll go use it for shopping. That's my birthday money, too. But I'm tired of not being able, or not even making an attempt to do what it seems that I can't do anything for people in return. But everyone gets that feeling... Aside from that, Johnnathan's gotten into paintball. He's selling some of his crap, which, some of his stuff I really like. ESPECIALLY THE AIRSOFT GUN. It looks like a handgun, and the pellets hurt like a bitch at close range. But they're plastic. Yet I can get worse... Heehee. For $50, including for payment for losing Starfox: Assault, since you get that game for much cheaper... Let's see, I got SMA 2: Super Mario World for the GBA... SMA 4: Super Mario Bros. 3. His Yu-Gi-Oh deck.  LoZ: The Windwaker... LoZ: Collector's Edition. That's a hard game to get! You can only get the Collector's when you preordered Windwaker. Ammo for the airsoft gun. 2000 pellets, but they're probably less than a 1000 in there now. I've been power-hungry with the airsoft gun. Hee~! Those little ZipZap cars with several bodies, and many parts. I'm missing a pair of AAA batteries so I could play with it... And probably some other stuff... This is a lot of awesome stuff, I have to say. I'll give him interest when I can give him money. But I love this airsoft gun the most... And, dang. Zack has graduated today... I wasn't at school today to say goodbye to him, since I was staying up all night before, and passed out at 7 AM, I had to be out the house in a hour. I was so paranoid that my parents will find out, and they will soon... At least I'll see the Wiccaboy again sometime. Hope he does well.  I'm tired. Time to withdraw. Squeal for me

I'm going crazy. [15 Dec 2006|05:15am] Ideas: Lost Poem: Element of Dreams Missing Poems: Two Hearts in the Coffin, and another one... Failed Poem: Darkness in Love 1. You can't take anymore stress. 2. You lost someone you had loved. For good. Someone else has her to love now. Remember, you did do wrong. Lots of wrongs. And he was watching you. 3. How people can be so stupid, abusing their skills, and taking any other person for granted, when it comes to love? 4. Was all I said to you nothing but garbage? 5. Nina! 6. Avenged Sevenfold - Unholy Confessions 7. I don't want to be disturbed after being betrayed. 8. Blood is sweet nectar. 9. The nightmare. 10. Blind Eyes for Lovers 11. Hallucination... 12. Deprived. 13. Ghost in the Shell - Inner Universe 14. Utada Hikaru - My Sanctuary 15. Siren. 16. Come... 17. Does it matter anymore? 18. Fly, angel. Wherever you are. ( Missing... Finished, but must submit. ) 19. Final Rest of the Guardian. 20. Sacrifice for love. 21. I will demonize you. ( Lost. ) 22. The Holocaust ( In progress. ) 23. Memorial ( Currently working on. ) 24. Roses for the one I lost. 25. Emotional death. ( Finished, but must submit. ) 26. ...Can't say. 27. Lady of Darkness. 28. My name in your memory. 29. Unloving the day. 30. Romeo and Juilet ( In progress. ) 31. I don't need you. 32. Roll with the punches. 33. Avenged Sevenfold - Seize the Day 34. Love, not yet healed. 35. Arrow that pierced my armor. ( In progress. ) 36. Lost one of the only remnants of a lost love... 37. Angel to darkness. ( That one's a must. ) 38. SOAD - Lost in Hollywood. 39. Hurtin' over her... ( Missing... But it's finished, and must be submitted. ) Squeal for me

[12 Dec 2006|07:08am] [ mood | must do homework. ] Think Fast Survey- answer with the first thing that pops into your head. DONT CHEAT!!! 1. My ex is still - cold-hearted. 2. I am listening to - nothing. 3. Maybe I should - do my homework. 4. I love - Lauren. 5. My bestfriend(s) - too much to say. 6. I dont understand - linear equations. 7. I lost my respect for - my ex. 8. The meaning of my screen name is - my love for Pokemon, especially Pidgeot. 10. Love is - ruthless. 11. Somewhere, someone is - crying from emotional pain. 12. I will always - be better than someone else. 13. Forever seems - eternal. 14. I never ever want to lose - my writings. 16. When I woke up this morning - I went back to sleep. 17. I get annoyed when - there are too many stupid people around. 18. Parties are - teh awsum 19. My pet(s) - none. 21. Today- was the same. 22. I really want - to get everyone's Christmas presents. 23. im wearing- new bondage pants and other shit. 24. Tommarow i will - go to school. 25. Current thought - is personal. 26. Mood - bewildered, and somber. 27. Should this end? - Yes, please. Squeal for me

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